Coping with guilt

In the Carewell articles section, Dr Graham Stokes discussed the importance of not letting guilt stop you from looking after your own needs.

How do you look after your own health and wellbeing and avoid letting guilt stand in your way?

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Permalink Reply by Greg Crowhurst on June 21, 2012 at 9:08

With great respect for Dr Graham Stokes - all he said was important, true and helpful; there feels something a bit patronising, I have said this before, about being "advised" about a carer issue , by a professional, that makes me want to turn and run for the hills. Perhaps that is just me.

Maybe it is because I have been both sides of the fence, as a Registered Nurse and now a full-time carer. I had no idea back then ; the carer experience is a much more profound encounter - with truth- than I could ever have possibly imagined or have ever experienced. It is so deep, so vast, so tremendous, so very, very hard to comprehend. When I think back about how "superior" and more "knowledgeable" I think I felt on some level, dealing with this or that carer.....I cringe now. That shows how much I have grown.

Once I was asked to take part in a film , Voices From the Shadows : http://vimeo.com/24683179 when the camera finally rolled, to my horror, I found it almost impossible to put two words together about my years of experience- even though I feel so passionate about it !

Traditionally it is very difficult to get carers to share their feelings. I sense that looking at Carewell. Paradoxically, perhaps that is a lot to do with guilt, for it is incredibly difficult, at least I find it, to care as I "should". I do my best - depending, but in reality I am still desperately trying after 18 years, to get it right. There are no easy or neat solutions.Professional, social-worker-type advice to find some balance, take some time for myself, all that stuff, is so important, yet trite in the complex scheme of things.

Guilt, I know, is a raving, devouring, constant presence, that we need to deal with . I tried once to express it in art :

http://www.stonebird.co.uk/carer.html

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Permalink Reply by Graham Stokes on June 26, 2012 at 9:46

Hi Greg,

I would never disagree that a person who is caring is the expert, who will always knows more about the experience of caring than any observer can ever hope to do. As just such an observer I know that I am always learning, can only hope to get close to the experience as I attempt to help others and will for the reason stated, always fall short, which is why this Forum is so important, for it is where carers can talk to carers.

Graham