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Permalink Reply by Avril Pierssene on February 19, 2012 at 23:30

I become very short-tempered and inclined to shout.  I feel overwhelmed and unable to cope with problems.  I become tearful.  I feel like I want to walk out of the front door and run away from my situation.  I can't think very clearly and am inclined to get a bit confused.  Sometimes I even have difficulty talking without stuttering and stammering.  I lose interest in the things that I usually find interesting and think 'what's the point?' and have less energy to get on and do things. 

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Permalink Reply by Sam Cowley on February 20, 2012 at 9:22

Good description Avril.

Are you ever able to spot the early signs of stress and take action before you succumb to all the above?

Sam

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Permalink Reply by Avril Pierssene on February 20, 2012 at 21:47

Thank you, Sam.  No, the stress seems to creep up by stealth and I don't notice until I've reached shouting point and my husband starts shouting at me for shouting at Mum.  Then I feel bad and have to take stock of the situation.

Usually the stress builds up because I've been having difficulty solving a problem (sorry, I mean 'issue') and it's taken up so much time and energy that other things have got neglected and jobs have built up so that I feel overwhelmed.

Example of a problem: Last summer Mum stopped using her shower.  She doesn't have a bath installed in her shower room.  Solution:  I arranged for Mum to go to a local residential care home one day a week where she got a bath and lunch.  That was great - gave me a chance to thoroughly clean her rooms while she was away.  But then she started refusing to go to the care home and in the end I gave in, feeling she was very unhappy about going.    What to do next?  Solution: get a different kind of shower installed or else install a bath in her shower room at home .  After lots of research, talking to people, getting quotes from tradesmen, constantly changing my mind as to the best solution, etc, I've finally decided that the answer is to install a bath.  But am I using the best tradesman to do the job?  Will he do the job well enough?  Will the final bill come to more than the original estimate?  This problem has taken months to get to this point and I still haven't heard when the tradesman can start work.  So far, I haven't got too stressed out during the process, because although there have been some stumbling blocks along the way, on the whole I've managed to solve each one with a bit more research or whatever.  So I haven't got too frustrated with it.  But whilst I've been trying to deal with it, other problems have cropped up and they've caused me to get stressed.

I'm learning on my feet and have recently recognised that I do get very stressed quite often.   So I am beginning to address this.  One thing I'm about to do, for example, is to give up one of my main past-times (I'm on the committee of a local gardening group that I helped form in my village) because I've recognised that I can't cope with the workload while I've got these problems and everything else to deal with.  So I suppose that's one strategy that I am now using to help prevent the build-up of stress.   I've come to recognise that caring for Mum is a full-time job and I can't do other things while that's the case.  So hopefully, future stress won't build up so quickly.

Avril
 
Sam Cowley said:

Good description Avril.

Are you ever able to spot the early signs of stress and take action before you succumb to all the above?

Sam

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Permalink Reply by Deni on February 23, 2012 at 10:44

You are not alone Avril - I can totally relate to everything in your posts. Recently I lay in bed late at night, tears streaming down my face feeling absolutely defeated, useless - not understanding why things just seemed to be going from bad to worse. No matter how I tried to keep on top of things, I felt like I was being dragged under and drowning - failing. That night was a seriously dangerous place to be and like you have stated, I had reached the 'What's the point?' stage. It went further, 'what exactly is there to live for now, I might as well end this agony? What stopped me acting on it was the fact I have children, as well as caring for my husband. What would THEY do without me? I live for them, and having lost a mother myself I could kind of guess my ending it would be hard for them to get over. Back then, realising just how fragile I was, and how afraid I was of doing something stupid in a moment of madness and despair, I contacted a local carer support organisation and someone is coming to see me this afternoon.

Avril, in your other post you wrote about giving up being on the committee of a local gardening group. I have given up so much of what interests me in the community, because caring for my husband is now a round the clock commitment - 24/7. I hear you. What I have found is how isolated I have become. Where are my friends? Where is my family? Where are the key people I used to work with on committees in the local community? It's just me, my husband, and my children, with our little support network that isn't really resolving the most important issue in my life - me living for ME. I feel so alone, but I'm not, here on this forum I find others going through the same stuff as me.

The point is that we DO care for our loved ones, and is it far better to do that than come to a point when we wished we had. I'm afraid the majority of people on this planet haven't got a clue about the issues we face as carers, they don't understand and perhaps it is unrealistic to expect them to. However, other carers will know and fully understand. Draw on the support of your local carer support groups - they can and DO help, and they will guide you to a positive response to 'What's the point?' Forums like this are great in helping us to draw emotional support from each, but local support groups give practical support too and let you know you're not alone.

Stay in touch, Deni

Avril Pierssene said:

I become very short-tempered and inclined to shout.  I feel overwhelmed and unable to cope with problems.  I become tearful.  I feel like I want to walk out of the front door and run away from my situation.  I can't think very clearly and am inclined to get a bit confused.  Sometimes I even have difficulty talking without stuttering and stammering.  I lose interest in the things that I usually find interesting and think 'what's the point?' and have less energy to get on and do things. 

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Permalink Reply by Avril Pierssene on February 24, 2012 at 21:23

Thank you, Deni.

I'm sorry you, too, have found yourself wandering 'What's the point?'  But well done for pulling through it and emerging the other side.  I hope your local carer support group proves to be of benefit to you.

I think you're absolutely right when you say that the majority of people don't have a clue what it's like being a carer.  But, as you also say, how can they when they haven't experienced it?

I've heard other carers say that family and friends disappear.  My sister used to visit regularly, but now is inclined not to, because she says for one thing, if Mum doesn't remember that she's been to see her, what's the point in her coming?  And she also finds the conversation too difficult because, among other things, Mum keeps asking her the same thing over.

I'll have to pause here because I must give Mum her evening medication, but I hope to speak to you again soon.  Meanwhile, I hope today's been a good day for you.

With best wishes, Avril

 

 

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